Well, I’m stoked because in May I shot an Indie Short Film in PDX with a group of graduates from the Art Institute of Portland and though it’s still in Post Production (I suspect it’ll be complete at the end of August or sooner) the writer/director has invited me back to be a supporting speaking character in another project next month!  He said due to my professional attitude and abilities- he’d like me to do the part

Additionally, I recently received my copy of Hexagenesis, the Indie Film I shot a year ago!  The editing was great considering the raw footage, but the plot tends to lack fluidity.  Regardless, it was fun to shoot and it’s fun to watch-especially if you have a dry sense of humor!  I’ve got to figure out how to get in into my own system to upload clips and will do that soon.

The actress in me is not dead and never will be!

It’s underway!

I found a place in Las Vegas, good price, 30 minutes from the airport, great housemate/landlord, paid move by my company, living at base, AWESOME!

Now what?  I need to buy my car (a lease due in December) or trade it before I leave, find a bed and furniture in PDX, move my stuff and move in!  Now, if I could just have a day off to do all that….

Aside from my concerns related to the last post, a light has been poured upon men in my life like never before.  None specifically, but something has become very clear lately.

I have always known that men can be rotten, sleazy liars, (as can women), and so GENERALLY took whatever a man told me with a grain of salt.  But recently I’ve become aware of just how far a man will go to…

Overall, the fact that people in general are capable of such insincerity when it comes to the use and treatment of our flesh disheartens me.  It’s become apparent that sometimes the only interest anyone has of me is based off of my job being a novelty for a black book.  Novelty.  Like an object.  With no value except for the use and collection.  Me.  That’s what my flesh is to many men.

It’s worse when I feel like I know someone to be genuine and wonderful and not a threat in that department whatsoever to learn that it was all a carefully calculated collection of conversations to lead to the opening of changing the nature of the relationship.

Once again I come back to desiring nothing more than simplicity.  If I like you, and if you like me, we should see more of each other and enjoy it.  No labels, no tension, no discomfort.  Roll with it.

With everyday we learn something about ourselves. Some days it’s more of an explosion of realization than others, like today.

I love being a flight attendant. I hate inconsistencies but I love newness, surprise. I want structure but I need chaos. I crave it all. I want prestige associated with success and education. I want utmost freedom—no rules, no laws. I want to be married and play house but I want no emotional entrapments and preplanned pathways. I want to do the opposite of what I’m told to do but I want to make wise decisions and transition through life seamlessly. I want to work at a camp with kids and educate them. I want to dive into fitness. I want to take the same cardio classes at the same times every week. I want to trade into a Philly overnight and run a muck downtown. I want to meet new people and make new friends on every trip but I want to find amazing people to buddy bid with and never have to encounter another crazy flight attendant again. I want to join the military and fly planes but I don’t want to sacrifice my freedom to choose my pathways and subject my weekends to MORE work on top of a full-time job. I don’t want to get bored, EVER. I don’t want to get burnt out. I miss working at the bank but I hated it near the end because of the monotony. How do people like me get by in this world without destroying everything they work to build just for the satisfaction of destruction and change?!!!

Well, back in November I told a flight attendant friend of mine that I’d give her a shout out on my blog and never did so here she is, Kendra;

So, the last trip I flew, I flew with one of my favorite flight attendants and another really sweet, spunky gal. Before leaving on the trip I got a message from another flight attendant telling me that a friend’s daughter just got engaged and would be on our flight! Well, of course I was more than happy to celebrate on the plane! So I ordered them champagne, made her a peanut crown veil (tp streams coming from it!) and a airsickness bag full of all the advice that people on the plane had to offer for newlyweds on napkins! It was awesome! So at the end they asked to take a few photos with me, here is one:

I just woke up slightly disturbed from a dream I had. I know that pilots and flight attendants (more often pilots) have crashing dreams but I only had one back when I was actually hanging out with a pilot friend and we fell asleep together (not at my company, he’s not a commercial pilot). Last night my dream was horribly vivid, not fuzzy and near-waking like most. I was flying with another flight attendant and we were walking through the cabin taking drink orders. It was very early in the flight and it was dark-like right after sunset outside. Suddenly, there was a serious turn. We hit the floor. We were pretty much on our side headed downward fast. I saw the other flight attendant down there in the aisle and we both knew it was over. We held on to each other. He said, “SAY YOUR HAIL MARY’S!” But I was already saying them. And it was almost silent. I closed my eyes and thought about the irony that I would die in a plane crash right before I realized I wanted to become a pilot and had a chance to pursue it. How sad it was that I was so young. The fear went away when I came to terms with the reality of the situation. I was going to die, and that is that.

You would think that the dream would end here but it didn’t. We crashed into the ground. As we became engulfed in flames the last thing I felt was overwhelming heat devouring my body. And then it was all black. I died.

As unhappy as that sounds, the meaning of dying in a dream is actually usually a positive symbol and in this case I believe so. I found this note, “To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.”————CITED http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/d.htm

This makes sense because the storm I mentioned in the last post is finally gone. A lot of my confusion and dizzy ambition is gone. Mind you, this is something that has lasted years but only became more amplified and destructive recently. So, what was it and what has changed?

Well, to be thorough I should mention I have many brothers. I have always eaten fast, liked video games, shooting stuff and driving. I got in a lot of trouble in high school. I was “one of the boys” so-to-speak.

In the last year I thought, wouldn’t it be cool to FLY? But it never gained momentum. All I ever heard was about the long, expensive road it would be to fly commercial planes from all our pilots. Well, that didn’t sound good. So I just cherished my being a flight attendant and relished on the thought of being discovered as an actress/singer. Good enough, right?

Apparently not. I’m a Capricorn. Constant goal-achievement is imperative to my happiness. I actually remember getting out of training and feeling wonderful about the accomplishment thinking, “I wonder what I’m going to tackle next.”.

Meanwhile, I haven’t recognized this need in my life. So things begin to spiral downward. I procrastinate, I feel out of element, without direction. My subconscious is much more aware than I am, so I start searching for a significant other. Why? Because it’s guaranteed direction. Get together, fall in love, get engaged, get married, buy house, have family. So on and so forth. Or even if it doesn’t work out…get together, fall in love, someone cheats, fight, fall out of love, split up, find someone else to do it all over again. It’s preoccupying. You know when you answer questions fast you give the most honest answer? A witty, fast-talking friend of mine was asking a series of questions and asked, “Why do you want a boyfriend?” I said reactively, “I’m bored”. Now, in my opinion, that’s not a very good reason! But it is a large part of what helped me figure this all out.

Then, I was working in the front and there was this cute, petite blonde woman sitting in the front row for 2 flights. I served her for the first flight, her and her traveling companion thought I was funny on all my announcements (so of course they were my favorite). On the second flight she says, “Have you ever though of being a pilot?” I said…”Actually, yes. Why?” She proceeds to tell me she’s an Air Force Pilot. Her question to me has turned out to be life-changing. For right now I’m just exploring the idea of becoming a pilot and all of my options. Regardless of whether I become a pilot or something else, it gave me a sense of direction which was immensely fulfilling and made me realize THAT is what I want.

What If I become a pilot?

I pride myself on the ability to go with the flow, to deal with what comes as it comes. I don’t freak out. I am always calm. The only constant in my life is absolute inconsistency, and I have come to terms with that only because I know one day I will have stability.

Yesterday, I experienced panic. I go whichever way the wind blows, but what if the wind blows you in every direction?! This has never happened. My first instinct was to sleep. So I slept. I woke up and fear was still present. So I told myself that the universe will work it out for me, and then got drunk.

I woke up today not wanting to wake up. My problems are still here!! But maybe, just maybe, being an adult is making these decisions and understanding that sometimes decisions are difficult and that I can’t expect everything to work itself out without me putting forth some effort and experiencing discomfort.

I currently don’t live anywhere. I moved out of my house in Portland thinking I was driving to Oakland and getting a place there. Then, I went to battle of the bands at Oregon State University in Corvallis and met a guy. A guy who has two years of school left there. A guy I would be with if I lived in Corvallis.

I thought, nope, I won’t change my plans. If I want to see him I can fly to see him and figure it out from there. (By the way, Corvallis is about 2 hours from PDX so I’d have to rent a car everytime…)

That same night I saw a sign for a ska/reggae band and found them on myspace. I just shot them a message saying if they ever wanted a female featured singer then I’d send them a sample of my voice. Well, not expecting such a fast response-they asked for it! So, the song that I wrote ABOUT that guy in Corvallis is the one I sent them because it was the most recent and my best one thus far. They loved it and asked me to come to a show and we discussed the possibility of me participating in some rehearsals.

So, instead of in Oakland right now, I’m in Corvallis staying with a best friend of mine. I saw the guy again and I’m seeing him tonight for dinner. I’m going to the show-they’re called Badfish Band. And I have no home.

The girl I’ve been talking to about a furnished room in El Cerrito (for dirt cheap) called to tell me the place was mine. I can move in anytime.

A good flight attendant friend of mine has a wedding in July and I’m suppose to be the wedding photographer and haven’t found out all I need for rentals or anything yet. I need to get that all sorted.

I don’t have a home.

All my clothes are in my best friends garage in Gresham.

I don’t have a home.

I have to go back to work on the 11th.

I don’t have a home.

This guy I met is going back to Montana for the summer.

I don’t have a home.

All I want to do is sing right now but I have laryngitis.

I don’t have a home.

I can’t find my keys.

I don’t have a home.

So on an overnight we almost saw Green Day but we DID see Billie Joe Armstrong…the story is much better via video so…watch!!

Last weekend I participated in Bay to Breakers, these are the hilarious pictures with music—

(Bay to Breakers is the drunken, costumed 12k in San Francisco) There was video taken but with my camera and I’m trying to import the .mov files to iMovie and I’m having challenges with that. Until then, this is still fun to watch!

I cannot express my absolute ecstacy (yeah, I said it!!!) about how many videos I’ve been making lately! I’ve totally got the bug back! By the way, YOU (as in YOU, yeah YoU!!) can comment or rate videos or comment and if you’re feeling really generous, you can comment. And don’t forget to comment, please?

Okay: Video #1 This was footage from YEARS ago that I found and edited to the best of my ability with what I had. It’s pretty funny, just about two retarded teenagers hanging out haha…